Trust, Part Two

Yesterday as I drove to an appointment with my holistic chiropractor the local Christian radio station was having a discussion on people's word of the year in between songs. People were calling in and stating what their word for this year was and describing why it was their word for this year. I thought about it as I drove and said to myself, "My word for this year is definitely trust." And prayed for God to continue to help me stop worrying and trust him completely.

Dr. Klayman's office was closed on Friday because he was in Houston for a conference through Saturday. So when I arrived I asked him how his conference was, he stopped what he was doing, paused for a moment, looked me straight in the eye and said, "Profound." That was intriguing enough for me to ask, "What was your conference about?" He began to give some back story and told me the conference was about enlightenment. He said our purpose in this life was oneness with God and the conference facilitated enlightenment by taking the "I" out of the attender because we could not achieve oneness with God and be aware of him in everything with "I" in the way. He said without "I" you could take away all the distractions from seeing God in everything because we would not care about the the distractions, we would not worry. He then said, "When we worry, we are not trusting God." I thought to myself, "What? Seriously? Okay God, I hear you." I love when God surprises me and uses people to teach me. Isn't that cool?

So for those of you who know I was doing a two week program with Dr. Klayman to re-establish my sugar control mechanism, you will be happy to hear all my adjustments held (even though I cheated in the end) and I'm done with the no sugar, no carbs, no caffeine and no alcohol program. Don't worry, I told Dr. Klayman about cheating and he said my adjustments must have already been holding even though I cheated earlier than I was supposed to. So now I should be able to slowly add those foods back into my diet and they won't give me those spikes of exhaustion during the day like they used to. And I have to say, all weekend after I started cheating, I never felt tired... even with less sleep than usual since I was having a girls weekend for my sister's birthday which led to the cheating. But after three weeks (Yes, I had to start over after the 1st week) of reading labels, researching ingredients, etc, there will be a lot of things I will not add back into my life. I even switched to a sugar free toothpaste and mouth rinse. But enough of about that. If you have questions about it, email me directly.

So Monday afternoon Roger and I drove to Houston for his bi-monthly check-up at MD Anderson Cancer Center. On the three hour drive there I made a ton of calls to doctors, the online pharmacy and our insurance company to find out about the prescription prior-authorization we were waiting for. Turns out Tricare did deny it and I called them to find out why. A technician told me it was denied because it would cost them over $9K dollars and I should ask my fertility doctor if there was a cheaper alternative because there was no generic equivalent. So I called Dr. K's office to let them know this and they said he would call me back in a few minutes. They did call me back and he said he would prefer to do the laproscopy first then I could use the shots another patient donated to the office. She had a laproscopy, got pregnant right after and didn't need the shots. So he would set those aside for me. I agreed and felt a lot of peace about this for some reason even though surgery is not something I was looking forward to. Roger and I discussed it after getting off the phone with his office that Dr. K has been talking about doing the laproscopy since we had the HSG procedure and we felt like this might be a major part in conceiving. So that's where we are at now. I have to call them back on day one so they can schedule the procedure between days six through eighteen.

After my last blog post on Trust, I received so many amazing emails, notes, etc from so many people that were truly uplifting, encouraging, funny and perfect timing for how I was feeling and what I was going through. Please know when I type on this blog how much we appreciate all your thoughts, concerns and prayers, we truly mean it. Many of you who read this blog, know exactly what we're going through and how we are feeling now and I love you for taking the time to share with me and lift me up with your words, scripture and love. God uses everything we go through to help others. Thank you so, so much.

~ Holly

Trust

Wow, I can't believe I let this go this long without updating. Sorry! I needed some days to process what happened Wednesday but this is ridiculous. Again, Sorry.

So I went to Dr. K's office Wednesday fully expecting the ultrasound to show more eggs than last time since he increased the Femara, his assistant to give me the Ovidrel shot, schedule the IUI for the next day around 3:00 pm and when I left there call the cryobank to order a pick up for the next day. Well...

That did not happen. It took Dr. K a long time to find an egg. And that's all he found, one egg. He also said my uterine lining was not thick enough. He told me he did not want to waste a vial of frozen sperm on one egg and a thin uterine lining since we only have eight vials left. I understood and was fine with that. He's the expert and knows how to make babies happen so I was shocked but cool with not doing an IUI this cycle. Then he said he felt we should try shots next time of some drug I can not remember nor pronounce. That's when I got blindsided. To me, that was my worst fear: fertility drugs. I was already tiptoeing the line of fertility drugs with Femara, but shots? That I would have to administer myself?!

Then I started questioning everything and doubting and worrying and everything else you can imagine. Yes, I was disappointed we couldn't do the IUI, but the fear and worry I experienced was none like I had ever experienced before. I prayed for peace with the decision but I was too raw still and not in my right mind to accept peace. I had some good cries when I got home and talked to Roger. We decided we would never do anything again without the other present. I know I would have more peace if we came to a decision together. Alone I felt like I was playing God and that as you all know from my previous posts is the area I have trouble with. Worrying I will mess up God's plan or will, even though I know I can't.

I had some great conversations over the next couple of days plus lots of praying and reading scripture. Then on Sunday after our weekly neighborhood Bible study, I rode with two girlfriends on an errand and one of them asked me what happened on Wednesday. As I relayed the events from the day and how I had been feeling about it, they both gave me very wise counsel. And something they both said really hit it home for me. One said two things she keeps hearing me say is "fear and worry" and that I know fear and worry does not come from the Lord. The fear and worry I was experiencing was not how God would close the door. And my other friend said, "When God closes a door, he will give you peace beyond understanding." Just because one IUI didn't work and I couldn't do a second IUI doesn't mean God is closing the door. Sometimes we have to struggle. We were not promised an easy life.

"I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

But I know God is going through this with me and he will get me through this.

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9

I am feeling better now because of these conversations. But I feel a lot better knowing my issue may have been worrying about playing God, but the real issue is trusting him. I need to let go and let God. (I can't believe I just typed that?! Cheesy.) And hey, what do you know? I have fertility issues.

“This is what the LORD says to you: ‘Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God’s.” 2 Chronicles 20:15b

How many times have I used this exact scripture for the trial I was going through?

"Do not be anxious about anything but in everything,by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7

One thing that overcomes all of this for me when I really think about it is,

"For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us." Romans 8:18

I am thankful to God for revealing what my true issue is so I can began to work on it with prayer and petition and studying his word. I am also thankful to God for putting some amazing people in my life. Thanks Julie and Brea.

"Give thanks to the LORD, for his love endures forever." 2 Chronicles 20:21
"Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thessalonians 5:18

Although the online pharmacy started calling as soon as I left the doctor’s office on Wednesday, I didn’t call them back until Monday. I felt a lot better about going through with the shots and going forward with fertility treatments until God closes that door and gives me peace about it. They set everything up in their system and told me they would call me back shortly with more information. I had to call them back the next day since no one called me back on Monday. They told me they were waiting for pre-authorization from my insurance before they could send the prescription. She said it would take 3-5 business days or I could pay for it now if I didn’t want to wait and get reimbursed by my insurance. I asked her how much the prescription would be without insurance. She stated, “Seven hundred and” and I did even listen to the rest of the number after I heard seven hundred dollars. I was like, “No, I can wait for pre-authorization” and I laughed. She laughed with me too. Supposedly Tricare covers infertility therapies and treatments except IVF, so we should be good. Of course, my first thought after I got off the phone was, "I wonder if this is another way God may be telling us to move on." I'm a work in progress people. But Roger and I decided if they don’t cover the shots, we’ll discuss trying Femara again with Dr. K and see what he thinks.

Sorry this was so long. That’s what happens when you take too long to update your blog. But I would not have the knowledge I have now if I had not waited a few days to process. And now you know how to pray for me. Trust! Thanks everyone for all your prayers, well wishes and concerns. They mean a lot to us.

~Holly

Day Fourteen Times Two

Okay peeps, today is day fourteen. I know, again. So I am on my way, with my Ovidrel shot in hand, to Dr. Kavoussi's office this afternoon to have another internal ultrasound to see if my eggs are mature enough to be released and do another IUI tomorrow. I'd be lying if I didn't say I hope they are mature and we can do the IUI tomorrow and this time produces a pregnancy. I know I just started trying and I know I said I wasn't going to worry about it anymore and just go with God's flow. But I'd really like to be done with this. I know, patience and trust Holly. Obviously I need prayer and you know how to pray for me now. Thanks!

~Holly

Early Noisy Sunday with the Neighbors

Today started off a little strange. It all started last night, actually very early this morning. We were up watching TV and lost track of the time. When we noticed it was 1am we turned off the TV and then heard loud bass from music outside the house. I walked to the front of the house and it didn’t seem as loud, in our bedroom, at the rear of the house, it seemed to not be as loud either. Holly said that she could not hear it when we went to bed and then it started to rain and that drowned the sound out.

I remember waking up again to the sound of bass thumping again, but I didn’t look at the clock, I think it was about 3-4am, but again, it started to rain and I fell asleep.

In the morning Holly was the first to wake and she immediately heard the bass. She looked out through the blinds in our bedroom and didn’t see anything out of the ordinary but did see the owner of the house behind us leaning out of his back door looking left and right as if he was also looking to see where the sound was coming from. Holly said he was only wearing shorts and saw Holly looking through the blinds and went back in his house and Holly immediately stopped looking through our blinds. She then went to the front of the house and I think she opened the door and she said it sounded like the sound was coming from the next street over. I got up and decided that I was going to get ready for the day and drive around the neighborhood until I found out who was causing all this noise.

After getting dressed and such, I went out on the back deck and I could hear what sounded like bass thumping from a car subwoofer and then I could hear the bass. It sounded like it could be coming from behind our house but the echo effect made me really think it was in the front. I walked out the front door and the bass was very loud. I started walking up the driveway and was now very certain the sound was coming from the front of the house. As I reached the street it sounded like it was coming from across the street, so I kept walking toward the houses across the street. As I got to the middle of the street I suddenly became aware that the sound was coming from the garage of the house directly across the street from us.

It was shortly after 9am and their garage door was open with two cars inside and the door had been open all night because it was wet in the garage. I walked into the garage and finally found the culprit, a silver VW sedan parked in the garage. I looked in the driver window and didn’t see anybody sitting there or in the passenger seat. I decided I better walk over to the front door since it would be the most appropriate neighborly thing to do. Walking up to the front door I noticed a large cardboard box sitting on the front porch, completely soaked from the overnight rain. It struck me as odd that such a large delivery like that would be left out in the elements. Most people would never do that, right? Was something wrong? I decided to be bold and I rang the doorbell three times and rapped on the door three times with pretty good force. I heard a small dog come to the door barking, but no answer. I looked around the porch and noticed that their outside Christmas light were still up, most people in our neighborhood had already taken them down. That didn’t really mean anything, but I took note. I waited for maybe two minutes and then rang the doorbell and knocked on the door again and waited… no answer. Was foul play involved? I looked at the front door handle and was tempted to try it, but hesitated. Was there a problem inside the house??

I decided I better knock on the door inside the garage that led into the house. I thought that maybe it would be closer to a bedroom. But again there was no answer. I looked at the door handle and was again tempted to try to open the door, but again I stopped. I thought to myself, if something went on, I don’t want to leave my fingerprints around! It’s silly, I know, but I was really getting very cautious. I turned around to look out of the garage and something caught my eye in the car, this time I was looking through the windshield. I could see a figure there, with the seat in the fully reclined position.

I thought to myself, this is really strange. I came up to the window and knocked hard. Nothing. Was this person alive I quickly thought? I knocked harder yet. Nothing! I finally opened the door and the first thing I noticed was the smell of alcohol and cigarettes. Wow! It was starting to make sense. I quickly studied the person in the seat, it was a male and he had his hands tucked under his bottom… it was in the 40’s during the night. If this was our neighbor he didn’t look anything like I remember. I decided it was time to get this over with.

I tapped his leg several times and he didn’t move. I thought to myself, I hope this dude is not dead. I also thought to myself, how can this guy sleep with this loud bass thumping?!? I tapped him harder and he finally woke up slightly startled and looked at me, very confused. First thing I asked him rather loudly was, “Are you okay?” He put his head back and said “Yeah.” I then asked, “Can you turn the music down?” He lurched forward and punched the power button on the car stereo and lay back again. I was a bit amazed… no big deal to him but a big deal to me. I asked him again, “Hey man, are you okay.” Again, he just said, “Yeah.” I then felt obliged to tell him, “You know your music has been on all night?” He replied with, “Awesome.” At this point I didn’t know if he recognized me or not as we had only met a few times in the past. And to tell you the truth, he didn’t exactly look like I remembered him. I said to him, “It kept us up last night.” This time he responded with a less enthusiastic, “Awesome.” Then I can’t exactly remember what I said next. I think I told him that we lived across the street and he told me that he would keep an ‘eye on that next time.’ I then shut the car door and walked away back across the street to my own now noise free house.

I didn’t look back but did check about thirty minutes later and the garage door was now closed. I can only assume that he went out last night, got hammered, drove drunk home from a bar at about 1am and was so wasted he decided to just sit it out in the car for a while. And this punk was driving drunk through our neighborhood. Down my street. In front of my house.

My thoughts… Where the heck was his wife? Maybe he tried to go in and she kicked him out? For some reason I don’t think he ever went in. Another thing, both cars were in the garage, but when I knocked nobody answered the door. Maybe she was out of town? I guess I’ll never know. I kind of want to go over this week and ask about it again to get things straight, but I kind of don’t want to. What do you think?

All I know is that the next time this happens (if it does) I’m calling 911 and letting the police find a drunk man, passed out, blasting music, disturbing the peace, on a Sunday morning, in his car in his garage. At least, I hope it was his garage.

"Baby Don't Worry"

I am so thankful for Christian community. After some conversations with and wise counsel from my friends Gina and Anthony and sister-in-law Cathy this weekend, plus a great message on Romans 12:1-8 at church today by our pastor Brandon, I have come to a great revelation. I do not have to know exactly how to do God's will.

I don't have to worry about the details. His will shall prevail whether I am on board or not, mess it up along the way, do it a little out of order or worry my little pea-picking heart out the whole time (though worrying is not God's will). I have been having this tug of war with whether to do more IUI's, have the laparoscopy or not, not try at all and go straight to adoption because I have been worried about doing God's will correctly.

And I know this. I have been following the Holy Spirit's leading, being used by God letting him open and close doors directing my path to all kinds of adventures and having a great time since I found him over ten years ago. God has given us a passion to love the children he gives us. I'm sure he knows what he's doing and how to do it. Here I am worried about messing it up. Like I can mess up God's will. Geez Holly. This is much bigger than me.

As it says in two of my favorite places, Paul in scripture and Bob Marley's song, I don't have to worry about any thing because every little thing is going to be alright.

~Holly